Elizabeth Simone – Medium

Elizabeth Simone

Elizabeth Simone
in
The Belladonna Comedy

Quiz: Breastfeeding or Capitalism?

Late Night Feeding or Late Stage Bull!@#$?

2 min readDec 13, 2023

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Quiz: Breastfeeding or Capitalism?

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Elizabeth Simone
in
Slackjaw

Some Alternate Phrases Men Can Say Instead Of “We’re Pregnant!”

“We’re finding it difficult to sleep because my wife has leg cramps, hip pain, and swollen hot feet, and I wake up every time she farts.”

2 min readOct 16, 2023

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Some Alternate Phrases Men Can Say Instead Of “We’re Pregnant!”

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Elizabeth Simone
in
The Belladonna Comedy

Welcome to This Cozy Two-Bedroom Home That Could Be Yours for Over a Million Dollars

This place is really quaint, which is definitely not real-estate-speak for shockingly small considering the price tag.

4 min readOct 11, 2023

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Welcome to This Cozy Two-Bedroom Home That Could Be Yours for Over a Million Dollars

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Elizabeth Simone
in
Greener Pastures Magazine

Classic Baby-Making Songs Rewritten for IVF

Girl, let’s make a baby using assisted reproductive technology

3 min readAug 29, 2023

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Classic Baby-Making Songs Rewritten for IVF

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Elizabeth Simone
in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

The Road Not Taken Because The Whole Thing Triggered My Anxiety

Two Roads Diverged In A Wood, And I– I Was Freaked Out

3 min readJul 14, 2023

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The Road Not Taken Because The Whole Thing Triggered My Anxiety

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Elizabeth Simone
in
Greener Pastures Magazine

Norfolk Southern CEO, Alan Shaw, Visits The Antiques Roadshow

These tracks date all the way back to the Civil War

3 min readFeb 28, 2023

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Norfolk Southern CEO, Alan Shaw, Visits The Antiques Roadshow

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Elizabeth Simone
in
The Belladonna Comedy

I’m Mary Hatch And It Is A Wonderful Life, Unless, Like Me You Are An Old Maid Librarian

I’m a childless spinster with nothing to show for myself except a respected career.

4 min readDec 23, 2022

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I’m Mary Hatch And It Is A Wonderful Life, Unless, Like Me You Are An Old Maid Librarian

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Elizabeth Simone
in
Slackjaw

The Dating Profile Of A Person Who Says Someone “Must Love Dogs” To Date Them

If you’re not down with the bow-wow-wow, you’ll never be my beau

3 min readNov 29, 2022

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Elizabeth Simone
in
The Belladonna Comedy

How To Tell If You’re At A High Holidays Service Or If You’re Just High

If you’re jonesing for some apples, honey and Challah bread, you’re at a High Holidays service. If you’re jonesing for some stale croutons…

3 min readSep 23, 2022

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How To Tell If You’re At A High Holidays Service Or If You’re Just High

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Elizabeth Simone
in
The Belladonna Comedy

Women In Maternity Photos: What They’re Really Thinking!

I Am A Fertility Goddess. Now Excuse Me While I Hurl.

4 min readJun 10, 2022

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Women In Maternity Photos: What They’re Really Thinking!

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Elizabeth Simone

Elizabeth Simone

Words in The Belladonna, The Weekly Humorist, Greener Pastures, Slackjaw, Points In Case, Little Old Lady Comedy. IG: @comic__diary

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