This place is really quaint, which is definitely not real-estate-speak for shockingly small considering the price tag. — Hello there! Come on in. We are beyond thrilled to show this beautiful Bay Area Craftsman house that could easily be yours for a mere million dollars! This place is really quaint, which is definitely not real-estate-speak for shockingly small considering the price tag. Here’s the living room, which we’ve…

Girl, let’s make a baby using assisted reproductive technology — 1. “Let’s Get IVF On” by Marvin Gaye (Originally “Let’s Get It On”) We’ve been really tryin’ for a baby Tryin’ to conceive with P in V, for so long And if we can’t for six months Then, c’mon, ooooh, c’mon, whoa Let’s get IVF on Let’s get on the internet and research fertility clinics Let’s get a…

Two Roads Diverged In A Wood, And I– I Was Freaked Out — Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and stressed out I was because first, the path was not straightforward. And second, the wood was yellow. Did the bark have some sort of poisonous chemical substance on it? …

These tracks date all the way back to the Civil War — Appraiser: Mr. Shaw, this is a beautiful piece you’ve brought in today. It looks to be the entire American railway system? Alan Shaw: Yes, that’s right. Appraiser: Forgive me if this is a bit direct, but aren’t you supposed to be at a town hall in East Palestine, Ohio today…

I’m a childless spinster with nothing to show for myself except a respected career. — “GEORGE: Please Clarence, tell me where she is. CLARENCE: You’re not gonna like it George. GEORGE: Where is she? CLARENCE: She’s an old maid, she never married. GEORGE: Where’s Mary? Where is she?! Where is she?! CLARENCE: She’s just about to close up the library!” It’s A Wonderful Life Oh…

If you’re not down with the bow-wow-wow, you’ll never be my beau My Self Summary… I’m just a gal who loves dogs, looking for a guy who MUST love dogs :) What I’m Doing With My Life… Spending each and every moment with my three dogs. There’s Peaches, my Aussie…

If you’re jonesing for some apples, honey and Challah bread, you’re at a High Holidays service. If you’re jonesing for some stale croutons with Kraft cheese and mustard, you’re just high. — If your mouth feels dry from fasting all day, you’re at a High Holidays service. If your mouth feels dry like it’s been stuffed with cotton balls, you’re just high. If you’re staring in awe at beautiful stained glass, you’re at a High Holidays service.

I Am A Fertility Goddess. Now Excuse Me While I Hurl. — It’s a warm spring day and everything’s in bloom, including my belly. But boy (or girl!), am I nauseated. Every second feels like a choppy day at sea aboard one of those wretched whale-watching tours off the Farallon Islands. Ginger tea doesn’t do shit. Now, excuse me while I hurl.

Condoms destroy sensation so completely, you might accidentally fuck her ear. — With a condom on, you feel nothing. You might as well slather Lidocaine on your junk. Condoms feel like your penis blacked out doing Sake bombs at Tyler’s 21st birthday. The .00001cm barrier makes your dick feel like a mummy, embalmed in a 50lb wad of gauze. A condom makes…